It's a Trustfall Baby

Jun 15, 2024

Happy Saturday friends!

On Tuesday I had a beautiful client come back for a neurofeedback and coaching session after having been away at college all year. It was so lovely seeing them! At the end of their session their family came to pick them up and I got to visit with a sibling I hadn’t seen since last year too. They both filled my cup to the brim with happiness. 🥰

Afterwards I went out to do evening chores on my own and I put my favorite playlist on shuffle. I never listen to music outside, I like to be quiet and in the zone with the animals but today, I was extra perky after my session and I wanted some music. I found if I put my phone in a feed scoop, it’s like a speaker! My plan was to take the horses and donkeys to the upper pasture for the night so I let Rayn and Sweetness out to graze loose with me, that way when I’m ready I can take them up together and then come back for Wynter and Jaffee.

Usually Rayn eats her grain and then goes to munch grass close by but this time she came to eat hay out of the back of the golf cart while I stuffed hay bags. As I’ve talked about before, Rayn isn’t a touchy feely horse but she and I are very close, soul-wise. So she was about two feet away from me and was eating hay out of the bed of the golf cart and the song Trustfall by Pink came on. I was singing along and she got closer and closer until she was eating right next to me—that’s when I started paying attention. I stopped the song and replayed from the beginning. She got closer still until her side was pressed against me. I turned towards her and she pushed more firmly into my body. I was feeling her and feeling the music and I stopped singing and just listened to the lyrics and felt her.

If you remember, Rayn has melanoma and says she likely won’t be here beyond fall. Right now we are dealing with a huge swelling on her chest that the vet says is some mysterious infection. We are treating it with antibiotics and pain meds. At the same time the melanoma in her shoulder and throat is growing rapidly.

Here are the lyrics of the song she wanted me to pay attention to:

It's a trustfall, baby
Picture a place where it all doesn't hurt
Where everything's safe, and it doesn't get worse
Oh, my, we see through bloodshot eyes
Picture a place, somewhere else far away
Where you know what they mean, and they mean what they say to us
And would that be enough?
Are we running out of time?
Are we hiding from the light?
Are we just too scared to fight
For what we want tonight?
Close your eyes and leave it all behind
Go where love is on our side
It's a trustfall, baby
It's a trustfall, baby
You and I, and everyone alive
We can run into the fire
It's a trustfall, baby
Yeah, it's a trustfall, baby
Jump with me, come with me, burn like the sun
We'll talk, then we'll cry, then we'll laugh 'til we're done
Oh, my, it's like we're out our minds
We've been running for our lives
We've been hiding from the light
We've been far too scared to fight
For what we want tonight
Close your eyes and leave it all behind
Go where love is on our side
It's a trustfall, baby
It's a trustfall, baby
You and I, and everyone alive
We can run into the fire
It's a trustfall, baby
Yeah, it's a trustfall, baby
What if we just fall?
I'm not going without you
(And you're not going alone)
I fell so far 'til I found you
(But you know what you know, when you know)
So, I'm not going without you
(And you're not going alone)
'Cause you know, when you know
Close your eyes and leave it all behind
Go where love is on our side
It's a trustfall, baby
It's a trustfall, baby
What if we just fall?
What if we just fall?

The next song was Open Arms by Journey:

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

The entire time she stayed touching me, seven minutes of my ugly crying on her shoulder and her standing so still and allowing all the feels.

I have to trust that her body’s death process and her soul’s release will lead to more with her, as she has continued to tell me, “Our relationship will be even stronger!”

Be in the moment. Neither of us are doing this alone. Don't be afraid of the light. More is coming.

Gawd 😭

But let’s not end with the tears okay?

A few days ago Rayn mentioned that she wanted me to start clicker training with Wynter after she goes. I was iffy on it. I’ve done a lot with her and a bit with him, you can see all of them being clicker trained/learning to load into a trailer in preparation for our move across the country here and you can see how Rayn is faster at it. That’s how she is with all clicker training. In my experience with clicker training Border Collies and clicker training horses, Rayn is faster at learning than my really smart Border Collies. So, this is the speed I’m used to—she’s quick and excited to learn. The idea of training Wynter that way is hard for me, because his processing speed is quite a bit slower. So, when Rayn told me that, all I could think of was how long it takes for him to get things.

After Rayn and I had listened to her songs and I had taken her and Sweetness up to the upper pasture for the evening, I came down to get Wynter and Jaffee. As I was haltering, the Pointer Sister's song came on called Slow Hand, and I was singing along and suddenly started laughing. Wynter has an awesome sense of humor!

I didn’t hear him per se but I could feel his intent of letting me know: slow can be good sometimes 😜 Oh ho! He is a funny, funny boy!😂

A few days went by with me thinking about that Slow Hand song and I suddenly remembered several things about Wynter that have slipped my mind as I am enmeshed in Rayn’s slow decline.

He’s passionate about his coaching/healing work:

He was a kind, gentle giant around ManChild when he was little:

There are quite a few women who know him that talk about Wynter embodying “healthy masculine energy.” I never really thought of it that way because I already have that in my life with B-Rad. I once had an art class and several of the women were coaches like me, really used to being around horses, and knew my horses well (please don't just go out and lie down with horses unless you really trust them) Wynter was all up in his “healthy masculine energy” on that day and gave this fellow coach a big ol' kiss right on the mouth:

Someday I'll paint that!👆🏽

And then finally, last weekend I got to see Wynter actually protecting Rayn. The neighbors (who don’t have horses and don’t seem to understand how dangerous it is) set off fireworks. They do firecrackers every so often and it scares the horses but this night it was the Bombs Bursting in Air kind, way up in the sky that explode and send a shower of light and sound out. Rayn, being nearly blind, was rocketing around the lower pasture in a panic. I went out to be with them but nothing was soothing her. I had to stand back and be ready to call the emergency vet. (You can imagine my fear and fury.)

As I was watching and praying, I started noticing that every time she would take off, Wynter and Sweetness would run with her. Wynter stayed right next to her, almost as if…he was showing her where to go…?! Wow. When she would stop, head high, eyes wild and unseeing, blowing hard, waiting for the next explosion, he stood perpendicular behind her, seeming to protect her from the onslaught. I’ve never seen him be protective of her. I was, of course, in tears.

When am I not in tears lately?

So, I’m reevaluating my relationship with Wynter and seeing him in a new light. He’s loving that 😍

THE RANCH:

I got this in the mail from the NCSU Vet School. They were the ones that put baby Sage to sleep for me:

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I had my last session of my first Women's Circle this week. I've been leaving the chairs set up in the coaching barn because the baby goats like to jump around on them when B-Rad and I do morning chores. I never thought anything about it. When the women and I arrived to our chairs, I saw that my chair had a 2" long slice in the seat. I immediately knew that some tiny hoof had created that. Darn. But, still not thinking, I sat down and ziiiiiiip! The whole seat came apart under my butt! Haaaaaaaa!

Needless to say, all the chairs are put away now until our next Women's Circle which starts on Wednesday, July 10 and goes for 6 weeks: July 10, 17, 24, 31, August 7, and 14.
6—9pm.
Would love to have you! Send me an email if you're interested! [email protected]

If you're thinking: Wait, I thought it was Tuesdays? It was, I changed it so more women from the first group could make it. Maybe Wednesdays work better for you too? If you don't know about it, you can find the details here!

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Love these two: