"I am power and light and love for infinity."

I was 8 and my brother Michael was 3 and my awesome mom took us out of school to go see the first Star Wars! What parent does that? My mom! I remember her quietly reading to my brother, "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." And, when ManChild was 3 years old, we sat down to watch Star Wars for the very first time, where I quietly read the same thing to him. ❤️

We lived in southern California then and I would imagine that everyone pretty much looked like the picture above lol. We went to this movie theater:

And the line snaked all around that parking lot. We had to wait in line for the length of one whole movie before we could get in for the next showing!

•••

I'm still working on the blue water horse! This is the one that is 5' tall and it's taking me forever. I was stuck earlier this week and couldn't figure out what to do with it next and that night when I went to bed my mare Rayn came to me in a dream. We went galloping out in the big front pasture of our Colorado farm, the one where we could see the mountains in the distance:

I don't ride anymore but she was the last one I did ride so it still feels familiar. I'm always happy to be riding her bareback, if only in my dreams :-)

After the ride she showed me my blue water horse painting except it now had gold in it and some paisley patterns that were so pretty. She had girlied up my "blue stallion" to become a "strong, powerful water mare" and a "mom mare." So, now, not only does she remind me of Rayn but she reminds me of my mom ❤️ Last night I started working on the paisley patterns and the gold highlights and suddenly she is really coming to life. She needed some beauty, not just power.

I was on a friend's Facebook page and she posted this picture that she found. I think one of my upcoming horses may have to be in this color scheme:

And my new favorite thing about where I'm painting now is that I have blocked off the deck stairs and now I can leave all my doors open on the back side of the house. The bugs are almost gone and I haven't seen a mosquito in weeks. I feel like I'm painting outside almost!

I guess only one of the doors in the living room was used to opening up—I need to sand the quarter round at the floor a bit so the other door can swing wide too. Maybe next week.

•••

Remember how last week I showed you the beautiful Sweet Gum leaf:

I thought it looked like someone had spilled red watercolor on it. This week, here is the same leaf:

But fall is still beautiful in other trees! We had nearly 4" of rain the other night. We had the windows open (thank goodness for deep eaves) and could hear the steady downfall all night. I had blown the leaves off the front grass the night before but when I went out to do chores the next morning this is what I found:

More pink than what is showing up in this picture and so beautiful!  Also, take a look at my favorite Japanese Maple, not feeling very autumny in this picture. But one day later started thinking about it:

She is the most beautiful tree I've ever seen! I will take more pics as she becomes bright red all over!

•••

I went out early to do chores and caught this amazing sunrise over the pond this week:

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I've decided to give Sweetness another chance at being trustworthy while being loose. The horses both get grain but it bothers donkey's tummy (and he doesn't need it for weight) so I let him loose to go graze for a few minutes while the horses eat. Last time I did that he hightailed it off into the woods and I had to lure him back. We've been talking about it again lately so I gave it another try:

Have you even seen anything more darling than Sweetness looking out over the pond??

•••

My mom has said for a long time, "When I go, I want to be able to tell you whatever I'm experiencing as I go through it." Well now, here we are with her taking morphine and slowly slipping away and unable to verbalize what's happening. So, she found another way. This way of communicating is normal for me. I am clairaudient, claircognizant, and clairsentient. Sometimes clairvoyant. Once in a blue moon I smell my grandmother's perfume when no one is around or cigarette smoke when no one is around. So, hearing, knowing, and feeling is an every day occurrence for me. What surprised me was that it wasn't my immediate go to!

Oct 23: She came to me while I was crying in the shower. It occurred to me that I could reach out to her energetically and she was immediately there. I asked her what she needed and she said, "You." I said my brother (who was visiting) was on his way and she said, "Good." I told her I would come over too.

When I arrived she was awake and I told her about what had happened. I said, "I talked to you while I was in the shower today." and explained.

Her eyes sharpened, "How did you feel about it?" I told her I loved it! She said, "Good. Me too." I told her what was said and she said, "I remember that."

Oct 24: Again in the shower crying when I suddenly remembered that we can talk so I reached out. Mom said, in a half laugh, "Oh stop it!" (about the crying lol). Then she said, "Listen. Maddie. Remember Maddie. (Maddie is ManChild's twin sister who crossed over at 5 months old before we could get to Ethiopia.) Grief rolls in like waves but it recedes too." She said to allow the grief but allow the receding of it as well.

I thought that was interesting. Sometimes I'm not completely grief stricken and I wonder what's wrong with me that I'm not a sobbing mess 100% of the time. She said to allow the grief to recede.

I got the impression that Grandma and Grandpa, her Pookie dog along with several others were all with her in her morphine haze.

Oct 30: I woke up thinking about my gratitude jar. What popped into my head was that I can write on each card, "Even though I'm sad, I'm grateful for____." I haven't been doing my gratitude jar for a long time, months. Life seemed too horrible—much of which I'm not at liberty to discuss here as they are not my stories to tell.

But there are bits to be grateful for:

•ManChild finished out the first quarter of his freshman year back at public school with 3 Bs and an A! This has been a brutal first quarter after being homeschooled and online schooled for the past 3 years—it's been a hard transition. I'm so impressed!

•I played Neil Sedaka music for mom last week and she was still awake enough to sing along with me. My heart. She used to play this one album when I was itty bitty and we were cleaning the house. When I was about 20 I ran across it as a CD and remembered his name and bought it. Magically I knew all the words to all the songs. I called mom and asked and she told me the story of cleaning and singing when I was about 5 years old.

Nov 3: This morning mom said, "I know it looks like I'm gone but I'm still here. My human body is failing but my soul is bright and strong. Speak to me as the bright, strong soul that I am, not the human body you see in front of you—she is not me. Remember who I am.

Yesterday at lunch mom was struggling with her swallowing pills and eating and drinking. After each thing she would slowly put her hand up to her forehead and I suddenly realized I recognized that gesture! That's her, "Oh for God's sake, what is wrong with me!" gesture from all her years of being alive. We probably all have one, where we suddenly realized that we left our coffee on the roof of the car or whatever. She is still in there.

Later that day she said, "Speak to my soul or if that's hard, speak to the ME you remember: someone who was a whitewater kayaker, who successfully raised loving children and kept a family together, who ran her own business for 25 years, someone who people came to for advice, who people looked up to—not who lies here before you. This body isn't, 'all that I have left." I am power and light and love for infinity. Please remember that and treat me accordingly."

•••

ON THIS DAY BUT A LONG TIME AGO:

2017, from that first year of RAD Mom Breakfasts at the Mother Ranch in Colorado! Held in my sunny art studio. Man do I miss these women!

2019, just after having our Colorado house painted my favorite color!

2019, my mom in the upstairs apartment, aka where I worked:

2019, my mom with my Midgie Boo:

2019, Nashville with my mom and brother Michael:

MEMES OF THE WEEK:

I have been this person. This week, two women were those people for me. Thank you Laura and Michele.

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