After the accident with Celita, I did a lot of soul searching. I was trying to find the lesson in what had happened. I found that I was living a version of "the cobbler's child has no shoes" with me being both the cobbler and the child. I live on a healing ranch. Dreamed up and designed by me, to offer healing services to our community and beyond. Healing horses, goats, dogs, and wildlife. I completed 2 years of schooling to become an Equine Gestalt Coach, I received my Reiki Master certification, I'm an artist of 30 years, and I offer neurofeedback. I have compassion, overflowing, for my clients.
But very little for myself.
I pushed myself beyond my limits all the time.
I didn't ask for help. Dishes? Sure, but not real help.
I didn't take time off because running your own business is hard I told myself. As a matter of fact I had a whole unconscious litany of horrible self talk going on in my head: I'll never get it all done. You have to work hard to make it, money doesn't grow on trees little girl, never give up—which in my mind translated to never stop working, don't sit down, keep "doing" until your head hits the pillow.
When I got hit by Celita, the only thing I could so was sit down. No, actually, lie down—on a heated blanket for most of the day for 2 weeks. One cannot live on Netflix alone so, bored outta my gourd, I started to write. I used to write every day but 6 years of traumatic living with an abusive daughter stopped that. With nothing to do but lie there, words began flowing.
What joy! It had been gone so long! What a gift!
Eventually the truth started emerging on the pages and I could see what I was doing to myself and why. In 2015, in response to the trauma, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was both shocked and relieved to know. I started doing some research into it and found many in my situation had the same diagnosis! No wonder, even now, 4 years after the abuse stopped, I couldn't relax. I was on high alert all the time. I had done so much healing but there I was, realizing what I tell my clients is also true for myself—we are all onions when it comes to healing—there are so many layers!
I often help clients create a self care list but I had next to none. Ugh. So, I created my own list and chose something I could do while I healed—neurofeedback. I'm 6 weeks into a daily neurofeedback/writing practice and I'm blowing my own mind! I know what this does, I've seen it in my son and many others. I had a weekly practice last winter for awhile and it was great!
But every day for 6 weeks? Life changing.
I'll write more about it soon but here is a quick list of the changes I'm seeing in myself from daily neurofeedback sessions:
Focus, focus, focus!
Less startle response.
I'm...easier, more even keel.
I'm in my body more often.
And because of all that, I'm being kinder to myself and:
Allowing myself time with all my healing animals.
Giving myself time to heal.
Taking naps when needed.
Going to bed early, which gives me enough sleep to get up and do neurofeedback in the silence of the early morning.
Doing Reiki for myself.
Sketching and painting.
Coaching myself with the same compassion I have for my clients.
The list goes on...
Love to all from the Mother Ranch,
Let me give you a big ol' hug!
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