Journal entry from 11/17/19
Oh my Lord. Yesterday was a lot of fun with Bella and the horses until the end. We were walking back with Celita and the big 40” horse ball. The ball was in front of me, Bella beside me, Celita behind us at liberty. Celita suddenly decided that she needed to spook—I could feel a…disturbance in the force when she spooked, not a sound, just a huge shift in the energy from behind me. I tried to get out of her way but it wasn't soon enough for a 16+ hand ex-racehorse suddenly in flight mode. She hit me with her shoulder and sending me flying into the huge ball, nose and chest first. My back turned into a taco, forced into a back bend, and it felt like my feet were above my head. As Celita thundered past me, I bounced off the ball and hit the ground hard, right shoulder and hip first, then lay there, face in the dirt yelling, “Ow ow ow! OW! OWWWWW!!!” and thinking, “Oh my God, I have broken my back.” but the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “Ow!” My next thought was, “I want Brad.” In between yelling and trying to breathe through the pain, I told Bella to get my phone out of my back pocket, the security code and how to get to the phone app. By then the pain in my back was beginning to subside. I started to spit dirt out of my mouth (I say “dirt” but we all know that dirt was mostly horse poop, at least it was dry), could suddenly feel my squashed boobs and my scraped-by-the-ball tip of my nose. Should I move? Stay still? How does one know when one has a broken back? The pain wouldn’t lessen right? I didn’t know. I finally rolled over to my back. I seemed to be intact. Bella helped me sit up. I got to my feet and brushed off. Lord. What in the world happened? Damn. Celita is a calm, gentle, sweet, healer. I’ve only seen her do Froot Loop Mode a couple of times in the 3 years we’ve been together. She’s a lot of horse then.
Sigh. So, here I am again. I’m really, really done with getting hurt. Just 2 days ago, I was starting to feel better from hurting my back 3 weeks before! That time we had had almost a foot of snow and I couldn’t use the wheelbarrow to dump the two big manure buckets out in the pile, so, like I’m Superwoman or something, I picked them up and carried them out. Upper back strain. Chiropractor twice a week. 3 weeks of a lot of pain.
I was actually walking around the ranch with Brad the day before yesterday saying, “Look! I can swing my arms and walk like a normal person!” I went to Restorative Botanicals in Longmont and bought their magical full spectrum CBD oil earlier in the week. It was a miracle! Finally the inflammation was going down and I was returning to normal. That’s why I was able to go out and play with the horses yesterday. And then this. Damn it all to hell.
In the midst of my last back episode, I asked my guides why this was happening to me, why all the physical pain, what was I supposed to be learning? And heard back that I cannot sustain the pace of caring for others without taking care of myself. I thought about it and realized I spend all spring, summer, and fall only taking time for myself when I desperately need it and it’s like that saying about water: by the time you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated. It was just too little, too late.
“Ok, ok, of course.” I told myself. “You’ve heard this before. It’s not a secret. But ok, this time, I’m really doing it. I’m buckling down and writing down all the things I need to do. I’ve got this.” And I did…but then I started feeling better and headed back into old patterns.
My mentor says, “You’ll never forget a lesson a 1,200 pound horse teaches you.”
Enter the Big Red Mare.
More to come…
Love to all from the Mother Ranch,
Let me give you a big ol' hug!
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