Choosing Kindness Still

Happy Saturday friends,

A different format, today's newsletter includes a funny story about driving with ManChild and how he's still learning, a yummy memory-filled recipe, how the goats are proving Punxsutawney Phil wrong, art I've made over the last few weeks, of course the all important ice/snow pics from the "storm", a free art class this coming Monday, and more!

And I'm giving you the "contents" before because I have a hard thing to write about—so I wanted you to know, my normal happy stories are still on board :-)

I'm still here, being the soft place to land, even with the ground beneath me shaking. I'm trying. I get emails from you telling me that this newsletter is that happy, bright spot in their Saturday morning with tea. I love that so much, it means the world to me. And I won't stop, promise. Even this letter brings you the daily joys I try to find, in hopes of giving you a little respite.

And.

This week I realized that I've been feeling numb? Depressed? Repressed? I've always written about the tough stuff: grief, mental illness, illness, death. But this past year or so, I've silenced that other part of me. I know why. I'm trying to stuff myself into one box (a light-filled, happy little box full of only beauty) when I have never lived inside a box, let alone just one ;-)

I also want a soft place to land, a place full of beauty and kindness but, cue tears which are always on board anymore, things are happening out there that hurt. And while I get the "why" of sticking my head in the sand and the emotional safety of it...

...well, I very much realize that while my head is down there, there is a huge weight laying across my back. Credible reporting about adults and children detained, and about legal and non-violent citizens killed—while at the same time some powerful people on both sides of the aisle implicated in child sex trafficking continuing to operate in plain sight, hoping we won't believe our eyes. 

I honestly don't even know what to say anymore.

Have you ever been gaslit? 

Gaslighting is when someone makes you question what you clearly saw, heard, or experienced by insisting it didn’t happen or that you’re misunderstanding it—until you start doubting yourself instead of them.

If you’re here, you’re probably kind. That kindness, openness, and vulnerability invites people in and sadly some of them want to take advantage of us, to hurt us. As we get older, kindness often (hopefully) brings a particular clarity. You recognize the moment when someone causes harm, then deflects responsibility by reframing it as "just humor" and blaming you for feeling hurt.

One of this week's horrors was finding out that He Who Shall Not Be Named posted a video on truth social depicting Barack and Michelle Obama as apes (this is not the video, but an article about it.) As you know, my son, one of my great loves, was adopted at 7 months and is black. Depending on your age or where you've lived, you may or may not know that depicting black people as apes (which is a way to signal that they are "less than" white people) is highly racist and as old as the hills. 

His people are saying that those of us angry over this video are showing "fake rage" and that he didn't mean it that way. 

I know what that was and I hope you do too. I'm not experiencing fake rage. Because ICE and border patrol are legally targeting brown and black people (through supreme court-allowed practices that bypass warrants), my little family, all legal citizens, don't feel safe.

We have copies of ManChild's passport etc in all of our cars now. In the United States of America. I can't even.

The adoption groups are full of parents in a panic with stories like this, about an adopted woman being zip tied and detained because her last name didn't match the color of her skin, despite her showing her legal documents. My God. 

I'm sad and scared and mad. I know scared is the point, scared people shut down. Scared people don't know where to turn, what is true, what to fight next. The news is like trying to drink from a fire hose, right?

While this feels pointless, I am still contacting my senators. Their links are at the bottom of this letter if you are local to me.

On Saturday mornings I will be joining this group in Apex. They are a family oriented group (not nasty signs, kids are there) and meet up at Beaver Creek shopping center at Hwy 55 from 9:30-11am. Come hang out with me! We'll see where to go from there. It's a start.

If you need a smile, check out Julie Story on Facebook. She's a comedian and her little bits always make me laugh. She's been going through the same thing, people expect a certain thing from her and she's wondering how to say what she feels. This is me, watch it and tell me if it's you? She hit the nail on the head and then filmed this one, using humor to talk about how she's coping with the world right now. I have watched this so many times! I'm thankful for her!

I have hope. I have hope. I have hope.

AND I'm crying while writing this. Sometimes as humans, we have to hold two conflicting emotions.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this. And if this resonates, I'd love to hear from you. Write it out, get it out of your body, even if your hands shake. I don't want to feel like I'm screaming into the void. I want to know that some of you understand.

Will I always write about this? No, always is a tough one for me. I will always write (did you know that 2026 is my anniversary—I've been blogging for 20 years!) and I always lean toward finding the little beautiful moments:

PS I know this is a hard season, and we all choose the voices we can hold. If you need something different right now, I understand.

Thank you for holding that with me, and now, back to regularly scheduled programing:

ManChild still has his driving permit and is driving with us. He and I were coming home from Wake Tech on Friday (looking for his classrooms) and were putt putt putting along behind a school bus. The road widened and he got into the left lane to go around and at the same time I realized that the bus's lane was going to end and it would have to merge into our lane. I could see the arrows in the bus's lane and ManChild was just tooling along next to the bus, not accelerating much at all.

I really try my very best to BE QUIET and let him figure it all out in his own time but that wasn't happening. I said, "Either slow down or speed up." Nothing changed.

"Speed up. Speed up. SPEED UUUUUUUUP!" 

He did, zooming by just in time for the bus to squeeze in behind us. He said, "Dad says I'm ready to drive on my own but I don't think I am."

Haaaa! So we talked about where he and Brad tend to go and where he goes with me, which is often places he's never been. He said, "I guess once you stop saying, "Stop sign. Stop sign. STOP SIIIIIIGN!" I'll know it's time to go get my license." 

I can't stop laughing over that!

•••

The goats are starting to blow their coats! Amidst all the cold weather, they suddenly look like this:

I pulled a handful out this morning:

We think Punxsutawney Phil was wrong!

•••

After the 2" of snowfall we got last weekend, we headed out to do chores. It's so cool to see pristine snow and all the tracks in it. I stopped to look at this one, trying to figure out what it was:

When I realized it was a bird wing! So I went on a hunt and found:

Along with a ton of deer tracks all though our front yard. No wonder Lucy erupts in a fury of barking in the wee hours!

We measure the ice in our pond, 2" thick! We've never seen it so thick!

So pretty yes?

And The Polar Bear, just basking in the cold when she literally has a fleece blanket under the eaves on the front porch:

But one afternoon, she came to the back door (she's loose when we are home) and barked at me, so I let her in. She was not cold, I buried my hand into her coat, toasty warm, just wanted some company:

•••

Check out our pond! The aerator is really doing its job, we've never seen it so clear. The muddy bottom in this pic is about 12-18" down and we haven't seen it for years:

•••

A sweet little watercolor of a harvest mouse:

And have you been paying attention to the Singing Resistance in Minnesota? For some reason frogs have been popping up in my sketch book, this day was no different:

So silly, they make me smile :-)

And while the monks were traveling through on their Walk for Peace, I did this little watercolor sketch in my sketchbook too. I didn't know until I started researching, but apparently depicting an image of Mohammud's face is a no-no. Painting this symbol is okay, or just a cloak of light. I didn't do it justice here but, that's okay it's a sketchbook! You get the idea. From left to right, supporting the monk: Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, and Mohammud and of course the monk's sweet dog Aloka. This drawing stemmed from seeing videos and hearing stories of people telling the monks that they were sinners and going to hell and needed to repent...sigh. And when this happens to them, the monks respond with, "May you and all beings be well, happy, and at peace.":

•••

I was making spaghetti and meatballs last night and decided we needed a dessert. Found a box of King Arthur Gluten Free Cookie mix, perfect! But no chocolate chips, poo. So, I did the thing, I asked ChatGPT: I have this mix already made but no chocolate chips, maybe I could add some cocoa powder, some chopped cashews, what else to make them yummy and get a good texture...

It gave me additional things and they came out lightly sweet, and cakey. I was like: hmmm...there is a memory here, what is it…

OMG! Mom’s sugar cookies that she made with Jiffy mix! I sprinkled sugar on top and they were perfect! I’m very happy now :-) Haven't had my Mom's sugar cookies since 2009 when I went gluten free!

Here's the recipe:

Mom-Style Chocolate Sugar Cookies (Gluten-Free)

Soft, cakey, lightly chocolatey cookies with a nostalgic sugar-cookie feel—finished with salt and sugar on top.

Ingredients

• 1 box King Arthur Gluten-Free Cookie Mix

• Ingredients listed on the box
  (butter and water as directed)

Add-ins & Adjustments

• 1½ tablespoons cacao powder

• 2 tablespoons milk (dairy or plant)

• 1 tablespoon brown sugar (packed)

• ½ teaspoon vanilla extract

• ½ cup cashews, finely chopped

• Dash of salt (in the dough)

Topping

• Flaky or sea salt, for sprinkling

• Granulated sugar, for sprinkling

Instructions

1. Prepare the base dough
   Make the cookie dough according to the box directions.

2. Add chocolate & flavor
   Into the dough add: cacao (or cocoa) powder, milk, brown sugar, vanilla, and dash of salt.
   Mix until combined.

3. Fold in cashews
   Stir in chopped cashews last.

   Dough should be soft, scoopable, and slightly tacky.
   If it feels stiff, add 1 teaspoon milk.

4. Scoop & shape
   Scoop dough into mounds on a lined baking sheet.
   Gently flatten slightly. (I don't ever do this but it was key, I was surprised!)

5. Bake
   Bake at the temperature on the box (350ºF) for 11 minutes.
   Cookies will still feel soft—this is correct.

6. Set
   Remove from oven and let cookies sit on the tray for 5 minutes to finish setting.

7. Finish
   While still warm, lightly sprinkle with sea salt

   • use a spoon to sprinkle on granulated sugar

8. Cool & enjoy
   Transfer to a rack or parchment to cool completely.

Notes

• These cookies are cakey and nostalgic, not chewy.

• The sugar + salt topping is essential for that Jiffy-mix memory.

• They firm up as they cool—don’t overbake.

•••

Have you been watching the new Star Trek, Star Fleet Academy? So much fun! Go, watch! Don't believe the mean people/critics. If you like Star Trek, you'll like this.

Star Trek holds the vision of the world I'd like to see: curious, diplomatic, standing up for what's right, the knowledge that difference doesn't mean danger. I need that on a shirt: 

DIFFERENCE DOESN'T MEAN DANGER

THE MEMES:

Here in NC, this is true:

This is for Marcy:

Rest in peace Catherine O'Hara, you will be missed:

I have to say, I created this little nest on my recliner in the living room. It has pillows on either side so I'm wedged into it, I put a throw pillow under my legs for more cush (it's a cute recliner but not comfy on its own), one blanket behind me to squish into my neck for support, and one blanket on top of me for warmth. And of course all my drawing pencils, erasers, and sketchbooks next to it. My recliner. Whoa unto you if you sit in it. On Monday evening after teaching my online art group, I came down to find B-Rad all wrapped up sitting in MY RECLINER! OMG! 😂 

And for Jenn and Moxy:

Wait...what? People grow out of this stage? Really...

HOW TO WORK WITH ME:

For the month of February, I'm offering $25 off hourly coaching, so just $100! With horses, without horses, in-person, or online, your choice.

Neurofeedback This is a great time of year to treat yourself to a tune up and train your brain to calm and ease. The most common response I hear about neurofeedback is, "I'm so much less reactive!" It really does smooth out the sharp spikes. Super helpful if the world feels harsh and spiky to you too right now. $70/hr

Reiki Another way to facilitate relaxation, calm, healing. In the summer an option is outside in the herd. This time of year, it's always in my office where it's warm :-) $90/hr

And of course Women's Circles! The Wednesday circle has a waiting list, I will add you to it if you'd like.

And art classes! Hmmm...I need yet another website redo. I don't think I have a specific page for this. Online or in-person, group or individual. Send me an email and let's talk! The current online Monday night art group is in session, the next one will start mid-March. Email me if you're interested.

Freebie art class is coming up online, Monday 2/9, 7:30-9pm EST and we will be painting this poppy watercolor. All abilities welcome! Click here to register:

•••

This is an AI-free newsletter! While I love to use AI to help me figure out a piece of software I don't understand, my intention is to use it to help me with the drudgery, never with writing, art, creation. All em dashes are intentional and mine, I was using them way before ChatGPT was a twinkle in Sam Altman's eye :-)

••• 

Thank you for reading :-)

If a friend forwarded you this email, you can subscribe to my Saturday morning newsletter by clicking here.

If you're looking for hope: Read Robert Reich on Substack and Heather Cox Richardson on all the socials.

Email our leaders: US Senators Ted Budd and Thom Tillis,
our US House of Representatives Rep Deborah Ross and Brad Knott,
and our NC Senate Wake County Delegation Dan Blue, Jay Chaudhuri, Gale Adcock, Sydney Batch, Terence Everit, Lisa Grafstein
can all be found at this one link HERE. I have always struggled with what to say to these people. This time I asked Chat GPT: I need a succinct email that states that I want ___x___ to vote no on ___x___. Simple and to the point. They need to be flooded, constantly, with reminders that we are watching.