People doing the best they can plus NEW ART!

May 06, 2023

People do the best they can with the emotional capacity they have.

My mantra for my experiences right now.

I was talking to Dad this week and asked him if he was able to grieve with us—meaning could he talk about Mom with us, cry with us, laugh with us? Anything at all with us? I asked because he’s pulled further and further away into his new life. When we do see him and Mom comes up, he looks at his phone, spaces out, or has no response. When my brother was here week before last, we saw him 3 times and so I was able to see this more clearly.

So, I asked.

He said he didn’t know how.

I talked about how, for me, experiencing those emotions-allowing them to play out naturally, was helpful. They didn’t stay in the pitiful, sobbing space forever. They morphed and changed each time from the horrific last week of her life to different memories of Mom, and often to funny memories—lots of tears and lots of laughter. How for me, grieving Mom wasn’t a static thing—not only bone deep sadness—it fluctuates. Could he join in that?

And I got a response that made me sad and mad by turns: I can’t look at the memories with you because they hurt too much.

ManChild, B-Rad and I were all talking about it later. ManChild was wondering why I was giving him any sympathy for being so callous. I said it was kind of like how you wouldn’t be angry at someone with dyslexia just because they got their letters twisted up. No one ever taught Dad to have "emotional intelligence." It’s a generational thing but also an abusive family of origin thing. How is it fair to be angry with someone who doesn't know how to do something?

And my mom was exceptional at learning new things and trying new ways—in trying to make life better for all of us. It was kind of a polarizing experience.

I knew that Dad didn’t have the same emotionality as Mom and that was ok because they were a package deal. He brought other things to the table, his funny sense of humor, his steadfastness, his creativity. I got to experience them both in a more full way when they started whitewater kayaking with me in my 20s. I could see them as humans, as friends, as powerhouses in their own rights—not just as my parents.

I’m thankful I have those memories. They help prop me up right now that I’m recognizing the loss in a new way: I’ve lost Mom. Maybe I've lost Dad? I’ve lost the memories of my Mom that my Dad holds. I’ve lost who they were as a unit.

This helps me cope a little, lessens the pain a little: People do the best they can with the emotional capacity they have.

And then, two days after writing the above, Mom popped into my head and said, “What if there is another way to grieve with him? A way you don’t know about yet? You wanted me to remind you to think outside the box more.”

It's true—she gave me an out of the box solution recently and I asked her to remind me of more.

Black and white is an illusion. The truth lies in the grey. The middle path is where there are all kinds of opportunities to connect and grow.

None of us are running at 100% capacity in every area of our lives. Why couldn't I accept that with Dad? A question for another time.

I got the impression that I wasn't supposed to go searching for this new way aka looking to fix the situation—I was just supposed to be open to it when it arrives.

Thanks for the reminder Mom! I will dwell in the house of possibilities and see what happens ❤️

•••

THE RANCH

The Purple Martins have filled their bird hotel to capacity it seems! I took a video of them, they seemed kind of excited about me being so close to their homes so there was lots of flitting, flying, and chattering. So cute!

B-Rad went out to check out the pond outflow after a heavy rain this week and took this darling video of a baby snapping turtle blinking up at him. Who knew they blinked like this?? (Someone just told me that it might actually be a Musk Turtle not a snapper.)

I took Raynie out to graze while I was doing chores a few times this week, she just hung out nearby like a good girl:

She also realized that we kept the hay in the lower garage and came in to munch for a few minutes before realizing that fresh was better than dry:

But my favorite photo is from when I took her into the goat pasture with me while I was cleaning their barn. The look on Denali's face!

"I thought you loved me."

"There's a horse in my food."

😂

I also had a fun idea to maybe try with the goats! Wouldn't it be so much fun to bring the four girls to some neighborhoods nearby and take them for walks on leashes down the street? I think the kids (and a lot of adults too!) would find them irresistible! I'm on Friendship Rd in Apex. If you live in a neighborhood nearby, let me know what you think!

I Love Lucy got a new harness that is supposed to keep her from pulling (she's like an itty bitty sled dog):

And, gasp, it works! You can check it out here! I got the matching leash that strangely hooks to the back as well as the front and she just walks along like I had trained her to do it. I should have but life got in the way. Also, she's a very opinionated and stubborn girl who really likes to do things her own way. Kind of like her mother ;-)

This week's fencing issues:

Wynter says, "I SWEAR TO GOD it wasn't me."