Everything, everywhere, all at once

Apr 29, 2023

My brother came this week and we navigated a lot of grief-y stuff together. We had a dinner with my Dad and his new fiancé (which brings a lot of emotions of course—at least she is truly a lovely human); a visit to a friend in Greenville, NC whose mom was hit by a car while walking across a crosswalk 11 weeks ago and is still on a ventilator—she’s facing a very long road; a visit with my aunt, uncle, and dad; art gallery visits for inspiration; a visit to my Mom’s gravesite; and many dinners at home talking through all the feelings—navigating waves of anger and grief.

I haven’t yet seen Everything, Everywhere All at Once but that’s the way my emotions are this week.

A neighborhood friend lost her mom last week. Mother sadness seems to be everywhere.

Life isn’t fair and losing your mom is particularly unfair. Unfairness has always been a struggle for me. It hurts me. That seems silly to say but it physically pains me to see or experience unfairness. Some...? Many...? people seem to have the ability to shrug off unfairness, “It is what it is.” But I haven’t yet learned to do that. 53 years old and I still feel like a little kid whose dolly has been stolen away. Tears running down my cheeks as I tell Mom.

Except now the one who would listen and make it all better is the one that’s been taken away.

My little family of origin has been shattered by Mom’s death and it’s a painful thing to work on knitting it back together. Maybe it’s like healing a broken bone? Or maybe it’s more like losing a limb? How do you go on while missing an entire piece of yourself? How does a family go on when it’s missing its heart?

•••

Other, not-sad things: B-Rad and I celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary at this fancy little place in Cary called Hank’s Downtown Dive—yummy:

I didn’t spend my normal amount of time around the ranch this week with all the running around we did but here I must show you the darling tiny mushrooms in the manure pile 😂

B-Rad managed to catch this while I was giving them treats. That's Baby Dancer on the right, she's almost as big as her mom on the far left! Also, that hoodie says: OMG I like totally have an oil for that 😂

Just now as I was writing this, I saw Sweetness the mini donkey bolt across the front yard. B-Rad was out doing chores so I knew it would be handled. A few minutes later I saw this out my office window:

Little brat had to be lured in with grain—he's not going to come to his name when he's feeling feisty! Naughty donkey!

And while we were visiting Michael's dear friend Emily in Greenville, we went to this fab lunch spot called Coastal Fog. They also have a beautiful shop attached where I caught these 2 horsing around as usual. They've been friends since college ❤️

Nice bird's nest basket hat dude:

A couple of throwbacks from the end of April many moons ago:

This old lady's name was Gertrude Orange Tag. My friend Laura added her in to a small flock of sheep we bought from her back in Colorado as she was annoying and kinda mean to her working dogs. She always called her Orange Tag because of the tag in her ear. When she arrived, she was the only one that was really people friendly. I asked her what her name was and she said, "Gertrude."

I was like: Huh. Gertrude. Really?

And she said, "Gertrude Orange Tag." 😂

She was a funny sheep. She lived the rest of her life with me, to the ripe old age of 13.