"Connection Discomfort"

Oct 02, 2019

This horse. He wasn't with us long and he called himself, “Teacher.”

He came to us as a boarder, sad that he had left his mare friend who he was a helper to. She only had one eye and she needed him. He was so worried about her, what will happen to her without him there to watch over her? I told him I didn’t know and how sorry I was that this had happened to him. He didn’t appreciate my platitudes and remained sunk in depression.

4 months went by. Every day I would reach out to him and everyday he either walked away from me or stood passively, uncaring what happened to him. I told him he was safe here. I told him that I hoped that he would be with us until the end but that I didn’t know. I hated telling him that but I wanted to be honest.

September 12th was my 7 year anniversary with my mare Rayn. It’s also my mom’s birthday and the day that my daughter, 4.5 years old at the time, arrived home. There is a lot of emotion around that day, some happy and some sad. My mom is still with us and so is Rayn but my daughter, now 14, isn’t. This is a good thing for all of us, including her, but there is grief there and a lot of healing still to be found.

What I’ve found, within myself, is that I have some connection issues due to my six years with my daughter. Connecting is much harder than it used to be. Years of being punished, or my son or pets being punished, for trying to connect with her has left me feeling a bit leery.

On September 13th, I took brushes to the pasture and brushed out the entire herd, six horses and Sweetness the mini donkey. The last one I brushed was Teacher. I asked if he would like it and he stopped walking, stood still, and allowed me to brush him for awhile. When I was finished I thanked him and walked away. He followed me. Huh. Well, that had never happened before.

I sat on the ground and Teacher came over to me and hung his head over mine. Thinking about the day before, I asked him, “How do I connect more deeply?”

Teacher closed his eyes and said, “Sit with your Connection Discomfort.”

Tears well up. I know I’ve heard this idea of being where you’re at and allowing the pain instead of hiding from it but as my mentor says, “You’ll never forget a lesson a 1,200 pound horse teaches you.” This time I got it.

So, I sat there at Teacher’s feet, crying and allowing.

All of a sudden I noticed that Teacher was missing one front shoe. Quick as a bunny, I whipped my phone out and was texting his owner.

Then stopped.

Oh.

That Connection Discomfort was UNCOMFORTABLE! It didn’t take me long to find a way out of it!

I said to Teacher, “I use busy care taking instead of connecting.”

Teacher said, “Yes, it is how you survived.”

I heard his ocean sounding breath then. He said, “You can learn this, it is possible, I did it. You can move through the pain and the fear, move into it and beyond it. The other side is great joy. I will teach you, that is why I am here.

September 25th. Teacher was moved again. I send him love and light on his journey. I pray that there are others he can help heal. His words send a daily shiver and I will not forget.

I heal my brain by training it to follow a new pathway (instead of the same old rut) by using NeurOptimal Neurofeedback. I heal my heart by spending time with my horses and goats.

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