Happy Saturday friends!
A weird title yes? 1 year in heaven and funny stories from the ranch—but that's how life is. It's sad and scary and happy and funny. It's all the feels, often at the same time.
This past Sunday November 12th, was Mom's one-year-in-heaven anniversary. Hard to imagine. A whole year without her physical presence. Last year on the morning of November 12th (before she died) I wrote about how Sweetness, our original mini donkey and the whole herd, helped Mom cross over, using my body as a surrogate for hers. I wanted to share the story:
Monday was the last time she and I were able to have a conversation. I asked her, since she was having trouble swallowing pills, would she like to switch to liquid morphine? She said yes. Monday was also the day that we realized that part of the issue was that she was having panic attacks and started giving her Ativan (it's like Xanax.)
The Ativan helped so much. Her pain faded and she felt so much calmer. We were both annoyed with ourselves that we didn’t realize that she had been having panic attacks nearly every day for awhile! Ugh. And of course she was!
By Tuesday she was in the morphine haze (I wish I had known that this is what liquid morphine does.) I was told by her mom, my Grandma, that she was surrounded by loved ones while in that haze: Grandma, my Great Grandma Mamoo (isn’t that an awesome nickname?), Great Grandma Eva, Great Aunt Leda, and so many more. It seemed she was with only women at that time.
Tuesday night I went out to the pasture with my horses and mini donkey. Sweetness and Wynter came up to me but tiny Sweetness the mini donkey pinned his ears at Wynter (the huge draft cross) and told him I was his job. He got right to work, asking me to sit down on the ground and take off my shoes. Hmm, being with horses and having no shoes didn’t feel safe, funnily I’m fine sitting on the ground with them! I sat down and asked if my hands on the ground would suffice.
Sweetness clears and balances energy in the body and he works best and fastest if his “client” is sitting on the ground. That was the night of the full moon. It was practically daylight at 8:30pm. Sweetness began by very slowly walking around me, stopping often to line up his rear end (root chakra) to various places on my body: both shoulders, back, front. Then he turned around and put his head over my left shoulder.
Then he asked me again to take off my shoes and socks. I did and put my feet and my hands on the ground. He came around to the front and put his muzzle on my forehead (third eye) and breathed into it. Then he gently took hold of the front of my hair and tugged, just a little. I asked him what was going on. He said, “Surrogate.”
I asked again and he said I was acting as a surrogate for my mother. He walked around behind me and began carefully nuzzling and gently tugging tufts of my hair from the bottom of the back of my head, around both sides of my crown (crown chakra). I asked again what he was doing and he said, “Helping her release from her body.”
He continued by lining up his root chakra with parts of my body, particularly my heart. And finished with standing behind me, putting his head on top of mine (his jaw on top of my head) and rubbing back and forth along the top of my head a few times.
Then he said, “3 times by the light of the waning moon,” and walked away. I took his words to mean that I was to come out to the pasture two more times. I wondered: Would Mom cross over in 3 days?
Wednesday I was there when the hospice nurse came and she guessed 2-3 more days.
Wednesday night I went out to the pasture and Sweetness told me to write everything down. I had already brought a beach towel and a notebook :-) I sat down and took my shoes and socks off.
He lined his root chakra with my right front and said, “With me she will go—riding on the back of Donkey. Listen to my footsteps taking her both further away and closer to.”
He reminded me of the bright red male cardinal I had seen earlier that day, Mom’s favorite bird.
He placed his body in various ways to align with my heart chakra. The moon popped up over the trees. Just shy of full now, it was very bright. Wynter walked up to me, his white body gleaming in the moonlight. He smelled my bare feet and walked off. Sweetness stayed still working. Lots of root chakra work: safety and security.
Wynter walked back to sniff my feet again and then put his muzzle on my forehead, right where Sweetness had the night before: third eye. He licked and pulled at the same part of my hair that Sweetness had tugged the night before and then brushed his upper lip back and forth along my forehead, quickly, half a dozen times.
Sweetness came and aligned his heart to mine and told me to say: I am you and you are me. Our hearts need to be healed.
Then Sweetness said to me, “You need to speak your words. Power and words unleashed!” and placed his belly over my feet.
He said, “She is beautiful. Her soul is beautiful. You two have a special relationship together.”
My knees were up and he was standing in front of me still with his belly over my feet. We were very close. I leaned my head on his side and he said to Mom, “Release grief, sadness, fear. New journey.”
Sweetness said to me, “Let her go. You can fully embrace who you are now.”
Then he told me to lie down and said to Mom, “Release the memories and look to the new.”
Wynter came to breathe into my forehead and then walked off to poop. I said, “Is that it?” And Wynter said, “That is it for tonight.”
I asked Rayn, “Will you be a part of this?” And she responded, “I am always a part of this.”
I sat there a little longer and it popped into my head that I was to tell Mom’s favorite joke (A duck walks into the bar…) at her funeral.
Thursday night I went out to the pasture. Sweetness began his chakra work, lots of root chakra to my heart.
I didn’t know how to feel…I felt adrift, at a crossroads. Was I still her surrogate?
Then he said, “The energy on the other side of the veil is moving rapidly around in preparation. She is still…waiting.”
“When it’s time, she will go quickly.”
“Don’t do. Just be.”
I was hearing Mom's words from a few days before, over and over and over: “I am power and light and love for infinity.”
Rayn blew a soft breathe out, “Release.”
Everyone there in the barn, both equine and caprine (goats) were waiting.
“Just being with her offers comfort.” Like Sweetness was offering me. “Now, we wait until she’s ready.”
I reached out, “Mom?”
“Yes. I’m ready. Just waiting to go.”
The overarching feeling was neutral. And that’s what the other side usually feels like.
Everyone came to Mom and Dad’s house on Friday: ManChild and B-Rad, my brother Michael and Nic, my Aunt Katy and Uncle Chris. We took turns being with her. At about 1:00pm I felt a shift, a part of Mom’s energy was out wandering the house a bit. I sat in the dining room with B-Rad and Nic, ManChild and Dad were in the living room, and Katy and Michael were in with Mom. And then Mom’s energy came out and visited with each group. I could feel her moving from group to group and smiling, so happy we were all there together. She has always been the glue and she was happy with this big gluey mess we call a family :-)
Around 6:00pm I decided to do grief sentences with Mom, out loud, in front of Michael and Dad so they could see how it was done in case they wanted to join. They are powerful and I’m so glad I remembered. They are:
I regret that...
I'm sorry for...
I thank you for...
I take with me always...
I left to go home to be with my little family who needed me too. Particularly ManChild who was struggling with having been there at Mom and Dad’s house most of the day.
7:20pm, as I was driving, I was thinking about what it would be like walking into the front door after Mom had crossed when suddenly Mom popped into my consciousness, grabbed my left hand, and said to me in an excited and quite loud voice, “I DID it!” It made me actually laugh out loud in the car!
She was out of her body.
I immediately started second guessing myself but finally came around and remembered Grandma Hall left her body before her physical death too.
For me, after I accepted the new information, the pain in my chest faded. I felt light and at peace. Whatever happened to her human body, her spirit could choose (or not) to be a part of it. How awesome is that?! And what a gift to know and have her show me.
I spoke to Michael a few times after and he felt at peace and thought she was stepping in and out of her body.
Her physical body left the evening of 11/12/22. I had left Mom and Dad's house to go home and get some clothes and things so I could go back and spend the night. About 30 minutes after I got home, I got a phone call that she had crossed. It never occurred to me that she might cross over when I wasn't there. I was relieved that she wasn't in pain anymore and strangely okay with not having been there. It felt like we all got to experience her departure in the way we needed to.
Here is Mom's favorite joke! Go forth and tell it, but you must act out the duck's waddle and huffiness!:
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
Bartender says, “Grapes? No, this is a bar, get the heck out of here!” The duck waddles out in a huff.
Next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is wrong with you? Get out!" The duck waddles out in a huff.
The third day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
Bartender says, “Dammit duck, I told you to get out! If you come in here again, I’ll nail your bill to the bar!” The duck looks shocked and waddles out in a huff.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender looks confused, “No…”
The duck grins and says, “Got any grapes?”
My brother sent me a couple of his favorite photos of Mom:
And the story that goes with the photo below: My family were all staying at a beach house in NC. My Mom and Uncle Chris (her sister Katy's husband) were verbally fooling around (both oldest children) when Chris said something along the lines of, "You better quit or I'm throwing this cottage cheese!"
My brother Michael, always a pot stirrer, says, "I dare you! I double dog dare you!"
And damn if Chris didn't blop a spoonful of cottage cheese right on the top of Mom's head! OMG! 😂
My brother was hysterical with laughter and kept gasping between howls, "Your hair looks like a lettuce cup with that cottage cheese in it!"
I think this one was from the same trip:
Different beach trip, but one of my favorite photos of Mom and Dad:
Everyone is asking, "Are you going to have baby goats soon?" LOL, well, if we keep going like we've been, the answer is no!
Dammit! Poppy is more than ready to step in, but with his bad knees, we won't breed him now. Little Oliver has all the signs that he's ready, except when we put him with Dancer all they wanted to do was play! Arrrggghhh. She was showing signs of being in heat so I took her over to Oliver and she danced around and then head butted him. He was like, "Oh! Ok! I'd love to play!" 😂
All of this was just a couple of days before my mom's one year anniversary of being in heaven and I just didn't have it in me to fuss with it too much. Ah well. So, in answer to your spring baby goat question: ...maybe? But can you imagine the babies from these two! I wonder if Dancer would have only black and white babies just like her mom Alaska? Or would she be like her Aunt Denali and have tri-colored goats that looked more like Oliver?
Keep reminding me how baby goat season is the best so I don't give up! So much love and joy and we all need more of that! ❤️
I happened to catch this photo the other day, perfect timing with the Polar Bear and also the horse shadow on the back of the chair. I have a little metal horse thing hanging in the window :-):
Little Man aka Sweetness has been offering to help me carry the empty hay bags! The first day he carried just one. The next day Jaffee, Rayn and Little Man carried them. I wondered if Rayn would carry them when they were full? I tried, she wasn't thrilled with me:
I caught the above photo just before I went over to take them off but first she pinned her ears at me and snapped her teeth! 😂 Don't worry, she's never bitten me, or anyone, but she makes her displeasure known to me if needed! It was my fault, I didn't ask her ahead of time!
The next day, I asked Little Man if he wanted to help me and he walked with me to the first bag, I took it off its hook and laid it across his back. I thought maybe he would think that he was done but he walked with me to each spot, stopped and waited while I loaded him up, and then walked right next to me all the way to the gate. He walked through the gate with me and came up to the door where I unloaded him, thanked him profusely, and showered him with treats! He honestly seemed very proud!
He's done this all week now!
She's putting on her fall show! I think it's not quite as bright as it usually is because it's so dry:
But up under the canopy, she's fiery red:
I can practically hear my mom yelling, "Put some lotion on your hands!" lol:
The Mums are still going strong:
And it's fun to see this white one change color, I've never seen that before:
These are garden Mums and I've already scoped out the spot where I will plant them. Once they are done blooming, you cut them back and stick them in the ground. My plan is to have a whole pile of them in a few years!
I sent this to my Dad lol:
OMG! This is such great news!
It's finally cool enough for comfortable coaching outside! YAY!
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