Apparently I Needed to Cry in the Walmart Parking Lot

Happy Saturday friends!

Gobble gobble and ho ho ho, the holidays are here and with that comes…

drumroll please…

Big feelings.

B-Rad and I were running errands on Wednesday morning in preparation for Thanksgiving. Since grocery prices continue to be through the roof, we had several grocery stores to go to, so we split up and I got the Walmart run. As I was driving I could feel the familiar burning in the left side of my neck and shoulder that I always swear must be a heart attack, until I breathe, pay attention to my Visible heart rate tracker and remember that sometimes a panic attack starts this way for me. My body’s early warning signal. (Now my job is to find an even earlier warning signal so I can keep that feeling from happening in the first place!) So I worked on stimulating my vagus nerve in hopes of feeling better: singing along with my favorite songs (which also requires breath control), and then when I got to Walmart, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth as if I were breathing out through a straw (long and slow). I parked way out and started naming things like 5 things I saw, 5 things I smelled, 5 things I heard, etc. I tried tapping.

My body wasn’t having it. Hmmm…I wondered what it was about. I had had a great week work wise. My heart rate was at a steady 70 bpm. I was not having a heart attack. I was happy about my brother, Nic, and puppy Penelope coming for a visit. We were having a friend joining us for Thanksgiving dinner and I was happy I was going to see her. Dinner itself was planned as pretty low key…so…what the hell? 

And then it hit me. Duh.

I was missing Mom and Aunt Katy. This was our 4th Thanksgiving without Mom and our first Thanksgiving without her younger sister Katy. Suddenly I was in the first ugly cry I’d had in months and immediately the pain in my neck and shoulder dropped to near zero. 

I wasn’t preparing for visitors, worrying about errands, or reacting to all the logistics. My body was bracing for grief and my mind just hadn’t quite gotten there yet. 

I’m thinking now, that when I prepare my lists for holidays/big events, that along with all the typical stuff:

- grocery shop

- scrub toilets

- dust the furniture

there should be another entry:

-prepare for heaving sobs

Actually that should be at the top of the list, you know, just to get a jump on it.

Who would ever think to even put that on the list? Maybe it doesn’t come, maybe it comes later, or maybe it hits in the middle of dinner. Who knows. But at least I’d be aware that it’s a possibility (you'd think with the past few years I've had, it would be front and center, so that's another WTF?) I don’t mind rolling with it, it’s normal, but I really don’t like being blindsided by weird bodily pain and not knowing what’s going on. 

So, for now, at the top of my lists will be "MAKE SPACE FOR GRIEF." Maybe all my lists. Because damn, besides the biggies: the grief about them not arriving for Thanksgiving dinner with their big smiles and big hugs, there is the day-to-day grief that just gets pushed aside because, life. All the little bits of grief like not being able to pick up the phone and hear their voices. Finding a recipe I liked and texting it to Katy. Creating a pretty new spot in the house and texting a picture to Mom. Calling them to tell them some funny story that happened on the ranch. It’s just on and on and on. It piles up, not enough release (because, life) until I’m crying in the Walmart parking lot.

Sigh…So, now I’m really curious, how many of my panic attacks are actually grief in disguise? I did a little digging and found some interesting bits:

Grief activates the same "nervous system circuitry" as threat does. Our bodies don’t distinguish between, “Ack! I’m in physical danger” and “Boohoo, I’m in emotional danger/loss/separation.” Something important is missing and we just don’t feel safe. Our bodies can respond with a racing heart, constricted breathing, neck/shoulder muscles tightening (hellllooo Julia!), and adrenaline surges.

Suppressed grief can surface as panic. When grief has been pushed down, postponed, numbed (helllloooo Netflix and YouTube!), managed with strength (helllloooo Julia!) it doesn’t just vanish—it gets stored in the fascia, muscle memory and breathing patterns. When grief finally has the chance to rise to the surface, it decides to really get our attention in a way that can’t be pushed aside, saying, “I’m not okay, something is wrong, I’m overwhelmed and can no longer cope with anything.”

And off into a panic loop we go!

And of course anniversaries (November 12th was the 3rd anniversary or Mom’s crossing) and this was our first Thanksgiving without Katy) and gatherings in general can trigger grief panic. Memories of them, comparison of how things used to be, change, and that subconscious expectation of their presence. Even if our mind isn’t thinking consciously of loss, our nervous system is!

Apparently there is a term in trauma research now called “masked grief” meaning grief that comes out as irritability, panic, physical pain, tension, or insomnia. 

And, big surprise, people who feel deeply tend to experience grief more physically. 

Ok, so what can be done with all that info? Here’s what I found, some I knew but forgot to do, some are new. I’m putting these here as much for me as for you :-)

1. Move and stretch the places that hold grief, for me that’s neck and shoulders, as a reminder that. “We are not frozen anymore.”

2. Set aside 5-10 minutes to allow sadness. The shower is a perfect place for this and where it used to happen naturally for me in the early days after Mom died. Because when grief is allowed, it is less likely to ambush us! And while this makes sense, it also makes me laugh, "Ok body, you're allowed to cry, GO!"

3. Humming, singing, chanting, or talking to them. Vibration=release. This is actually surprisingly helpful.

4. Writing to those that are gone transforms grief into connection. Just simple bits, “Hi guys, I missed you so much today, I spent a lot of time crying. I wish you were here.” (I have to say that every time I say, "I wish you were here!" I hear, "We are!" so clear and in unison from both Mom and Katy. 

5. Breathe. When grief comes up, instead of suppressing it, inhale through your nose and exhale with a little sigh. Longer exhales calm the body. You will slowly teach your system that you can feel and still be safe. My favorite way is to inhale through my nose and with pursed lips, pretend I’m breathing out through a straw, that creates a loooong exhale.

6. Touch: petting animals, holding a warm cup of tea, wrapping up in a heavy blanket or better yet a weighted blanket.

7. Go outside and look at the sky, touch the earth, breathe in fresh air because nature says, “Loss is part of life, and life continues on.” This is the biggest one for me I think. I have easy access to nature and still don’t go out enough. I swear, I’d be better off living in a tent in the pasture.

8. If tears come, let them. Big ol' pressure release.

9. Re-label panic as grief. This feels like a big one and something I want to explore further. Is panic always grief? I’m thinking back on my life and when I first started having panic attacks, yes that was grief. I wonder how many other times? I'd really like to remember this one. It would be amazing to let my nervous system shift from danger to emotion.

10. Ask: "What does this grief want?" Answers might be: to be felt, to be expressed, to be remembered, but really, I don't ever want to be told any of those answers, I want my body to speak to me and tell me what it wants. The idea is that when grief gets what it wants, panic dissolves. That's exactly what happened to me in the Walmart parking lot.

Now, it's just a matter of asking it. 

Right now? My grief says, "I want to curl up in bed all day and just be quiet. I want my paint and my art journal, and some snacks and drinks and to just be left alone." Well...ok then. I think I can manage that this weekend.

According to what I read, the important part is not trying to get rid of grief, it's to let grief move. Static grief can become panic. Moving grief becomes healing. Ok, I can get on board with this. It all makes sense but I think the “allowing” ourselves to have the time can be hard. But jeez, what are the options? Allow 5-10 minutes a day to stretch, remember, sing/hum, write, breathe, be outside, cry, rename, let grief speak OR break down in the Walmart parking lot. I've done the latter, I'll give the former a try.

So...how was your Thanksgiving? 😁🙃😉

COMING SOON:

First off, this coming Monday, December 1st, from 7:30-9pmET will be the second art Playdate! It's FREE! We'll be creating this fun and easy purple cone flower and I will walk you through it step by step. To sign up, click here:

You can be an absolute NEWBIE to art and still do this class, promise!

The Online Women's Circle starts Monday, January 5th from 7:30-9pm ET. It's only $140 for the 4 weeks. You'll receive a weekly guided meditation video with the herd in the online group space and time to check in and talk about your week. Then we get together on Mondays and create these super fun and easy, abstract Vision Cards. These were my "blanks" from the deck I created last year:

This is one that is part of my deck from last year as well. I've been slowly working toward this goal for a while, and now I'm at the jumping off point! Working on your vision for the year is powerful and worthwhile work, I would love to have you join me!:

Yes, there is a Wednesday evening in-person group but it's usually full. If you'd like to be added to the list, please contact me. And for those thinking about being added to this growing list, I encourage you to join me for the first Online Women's Circle. Yes, yes, I know you want in-person, I get it, but this gives you a taste into what this world is about, how it runs, and how fun it is! While you wait for a spot to open, join me online and have some fun. Don't wait for the "perfect thing", try something new and see if you enjoy it too! You'll still be on the list AND you'll be a part of The Mother Ranch's Women's Circles! The first one only runs for 4 weeks and is just $140.

Want to read more about Women's Circles, click here!

THE RANCH

I have this funny thing where I actually like the animals hanging all around me, munching on hay as I put it in their hay bags. It's sweet, they smell good, they sound good, they brush up against me as I work, I love it. The boys however, say the ponies "get in the way" or "eat all the hay" or "slow me down." I asked B-Rad about it and he said, "I guess that's the difference between a boy and a horse girl." :-) Made me smile, I haven't been called a horse girl in a long time. 

Getting frosty here at night, as I write this on Friday night, it's going to get down to 25 degrees! 

I have two beds for I Love Lucy and swap them out to wash. This one is just a bit smaller and her tail often hangs out of it, looking a lot like a squirrel tail LOL

Parsley is at it again. This time I used a broom to shoo her out:

Mother and daughter (Parsley's mom and grandmother):

This stuff falls out of trees sometimes, I don't know what it is:

My brother and Princess Penelope. All in all, she did really well. Hard to be so young, have anxiety, and be at another house with dogs. Lucy was a rock star and just kept a slow wag going. I was so impressed with my girlie!

Thanksgiving dinner!

🎶MEMORIES 🎶:

ManChild and me:

Sweet Raynie in Colorado when she was still healthy:

From Thanksgivings past:

Aunt Katy and Uncle Chris:

Mom and Dad:

Mom, me, Katy:

THE MEMES:

The best part about my yearly posting of this meme is that someone inevitably tells me that it's a neck. Yes, I do know this. It's a funny meme. Let us have this, it's a joke:

Her mommy must have done it for her, I don't think she could reach her hair with those itty bitty arms 😆

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This is an AI-free newsletter! While I love to use AI to help me figure out a piece of software I don't understand, my intention is to use it to help me with the drudgery, never with writing, art, creation. All em dashes are intentional and mine, I was using them way before ChatGPT was a twinkle in Sam Altman's eye :-)

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Thank you for reading :-)

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