The Cookie Loving Mini Donkey

Jan 28, 2023

One of the things that happens after a family member dies is that the family dynamics change. Everyone is grieving separately and together and often that grief looks different. One person may cry a lot every day, someone else not at all. A family member may decide to move on while others need to hang back and figure out how life looks without the loved one.

It has been upsetting to me to see people move on.

The thing I'm learning a lot about right now is my need to control everything.

I used to think this was a "me" thing but over the past 7 years of being a life coach, I realize many of us struggle with this.

Control doesn't help the relationship and it causes so much stress in my own body.

The need to control is a trauma response.

Learning to let go is a healing response.

At each tiny release I allow, calm washes over me. It feels both foreign and right. I hope to someday be floating in a sea of calm instead of just struggling to stay afloat.

So, the changing dynamics part...Mom was the glue and the buffer. I'm very much realizing my role as peace keeper and smoother of ways and I learned from the best ;-) I was asked recently to smooth something over with other family members and shocked myself by thinking: No. I don't want to. It took less than a minute to realize that I don't want that for myself anymore. I took it on because I was taught it and it was a way to protect myself and others. I no longer have to do that. So I said to the person, in a kind but firm way, "I'm not going to do that. We are all adults and need to put on our big kid pants and own our parts of the relationship." The person who asked, apologized and that was that.

If you know me, you know I'm a thinker of thoughts and it can take me days, if not weeks to come up with a response to something like that. I've been learning and practicing boundaries for years and lo and behold, the thought of: "no" came up and immediately the appropriate words followed. Shocking. Realizing that I didn't have to protect myself or others anymore helped too!

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My mom liked Lizzo. I don't remember when she started talking about her, I think I was still in Colorado so it may have been 2020 or early 2021 but I suddenly started hearing about Lizzo, "You know, that singer who plays the flute and it all about body positivity!"

I had heard her name and a few songs but didn't really know anything about her. I asked ManChild and he knew who she was, of course.

I was on Day 12 of ManChild's Flu That Wasn't Testing as the Flu and I was toast. I sat and scrolled through HBO and found this:

I see what Mom was talking about. Now I like Lizzo too :-) I wish I could talk with Mom about her.

Missing my Mommy:

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With all the rain we've been having here in NC, I am trying to get the horses up to the upper pasture more often. It's the high spot on the property so is much less muddy. There is no shelter up there so it's only useful in good weather. I've figured out a way to keep everyone from stampeding toward the gate when they realize I'm going to move them, by feeding the two horses their grain while taking Sweetness the mini donkey up. I know, I know, you're going to fuss with me about Sweetness not getting grain. Look at the video above, the donkey does not need grain. 😂 Look at his jiggly little belly! That's because while he doesn't get grain, he does get treats lol. On this day, B-Rad was helping with chores and thought he'd try taking Sweetness while driving up there to scoop poop—it worked!:

Then I walk Rayn and Wynter up separately as they each finish their food. Wynter is a big boy and gets quarts and quarts of food morning and night so it takes him awhile. They really enjoy the winter sun up there:

I love his hair blowing in the breeze:

There are 3 hay bags spaced out along the fence (they keep everyone eating more slowly) but Sweetness would rather have the cookies he knows I keep in my pocket: