Happy Saturday friends!
Last week I wrote about how the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" should really be "it also takes a village to support an adult." Somehow we went from spreading our needs across a whole community to expecting one spouse to be everything. What an impossible weight for anyone to carry.
This week, I'm writing about the flip side of the same coin because I can't be someone's whole village either. Like many women, my family relies on me to be the memory, the calendar, and the one who notices what needs doing. And that is just as unsustainable.
There was this period of my life where I feared for my family’s safety, and I couldn’t stop the hypervigilant watching and planning for every possible outcome, to keep everyone safe. It was exhausting and it lasted for years. At the time, I didn’t know about my ADHD and that ability to hyper focus but I do believe it was part of the reason I was able to do ALL-THE-THINGS back then. That and just the sheer necessity for our survival. If you don’t know me yet, and the story, you’re probably thinking this all sounds kind of dramatic. And it was ACTUALLY dramatic. Dramatic and drastic and shocking.
And when that time of our lives finally ended (for the most part), I was left an exhausted, shell of a human, unable to have normal conversations, unable to think linearly anymore, unable to make even the most basic decisions, like “What do you want to do for dinner?”
And the thing that that whole situation taught me was that, even though I was taught from birth to control-all-the-things, was that I couldn’t, nor did I even want to control-all-the-things anymore. Or maybe more accurately, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care what we ate for dinner, anything was fine. I didn’t care which restaurant was chosen, I’d find something and if it wasn’t the yummiest, I’d eat something when I got home. I didn’t care about answering, “Where is the x?” And when I let go of all that, Brad stepped into making those decisions, or they were just dropped completely if they weren’t important enough.
And now, in the middle of a growth spurt in my business, I find myself thinking about that time again. With Brad retired, and my business growing, I am without that bandwidth once more. I don’t have it in me to be the family calendar, the family executive functioning scaffolding, the emotional support of the whole family. (And I know a piece of that is the lack of a younger woman’s lovey-dovey hormones. :-))
And the other part of that is growing up (are we ever not growing up?) and seeing patterns that don’t serve me or anyone else in the long run. Recognizing that controlling-all-the-things was taught to me in childhood from a line of women who couldn’t rely on the men in their lives to take on more than being the breadwinner. Everything else was on them.
And I get why, 100%. And it’s time to right the ship :-)
And surprisingly, unsurprisingly?, this is hard work. When you teach everyone around you that you will control-all-the-things, they never learn to see all-the-things. And when your sweet husband was raised by a mother who controlled-all-the-things, he has no concept about what all-the-things even entail.
How do you teach someone to anticipate? Again, I was taught from birth so I’m not sure how that even happened…osmosis? I’ve been working on this concept with ManChild for ages, and he’s finally starting to get it at 19. My brother also was taught to do and hold and be all-the-things. I kind of love that, Mom taught us both the same way instead of my brother a different way. And while it’s not something I want to hold anymore (my brother either) it was nice that we both learned it.
Antici……..pation (insert Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show)…thoughts on how to teach it? I think a chore chart for grownups is…icky. Maybe a chore chart for all of us?
I can give them lists, but that doesn’t teach anticipating what needs to be done. And who wants to be told what to do? Also ick, for all of us.
Maybe I just continue to do what I’ve done with ManChild all his teenage life: model what anticipating looks like, “Hey, awesome, you saw the weeds flowering in the upper pasture and just went out and mowed it. You’re really learning to anticipate what needs to be done around here!”
Maybe that’s the only thing that’s ever actually worked. Not a system of some sort, just narrating my own noticing, out loud, over and over, until it’s not just me noticing.
And speaking of controlling-all-the-things, I DON’T KNOW HOW to quickly teach someone to anticipate, and I hate that. I realllllly want to control that. That would be a really useful skillset wouldn't it? Maybe I need to talk about this out loud and Facebook or Google or YouTube will listen and serve me someone who does know how. I only know how to stop being the only one who does it and I guess that’s as good as it gets. The weeds might grow, the furniture won’t get dusted, or, or, or. And that has to be okay, ugh, because the alternative is me, yet again, picking it up so no one has to feel the discomfort of learning.
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THE RANCH
Bug central:
But then you get these and forgive the gross:
And look at the gardens!
Native Beautyberry
Can you tell I'm finally planting in that giant bed? Everything is so tiny, next year will be amazing though and I'll add more!
While the horses are in the upper pasture, I let the goats out to wander the lower. They have their own Himalayan sea salt block, but always like the horse's better:
The donkeys are just starting to get their winter eyebrow ledges, Jaffee:
This week in the Monday online art class and the Tuesday and Wednesday Women's Circles, we painted pumpkins using the wet on dry method. We often use wet into wet so I thought we'd change it up and try something different. And a pumpkin because I don't know about the rest of you, but here in the south, we are melting (109º today, actual) and so ready for fall!
Sessions, Women's Circles, Classes:
Equine Partnered Coaching! With horses (early morning appointments in the summer, 7 or 8am), without horses, or online, your choice.
Neurofeedback Train your brain to calm and ease. The most common response I hear about neurofeedback is, "I'm so much less reactive in my life!" It really does smooth out the sharp spikes. Super helpful if your world feels harsh and spiky right now. These appointments are in my climate controlled office.
Reiki Another way to facilitate relaxation, calm, healing. If the weather is nice, you can choose outside in the herd (this is an early morning appointment) and of course in my office is always available :-)
And Women's Circles! Contact me if you want to talk about joining a Women's Circle!
Wednesday Women's Circle has a waiting list, I will add you to it if you'd like. Newer people do indeed get in occasionally, as sometimes the people higher on the list end up with upcoming vacations, too busy at work, or just life is life-ing.
Tuesday Women's Circle, runs 11am—2pm, contact me if you're interested in the next group, it starts September 15th, $250 for the 6 week session.
Monday online art class via Zoom. Ongoing, every Monday, 7:30-9pmET. $35 There isn't a public link for this one but you can contact me for the supply list and link here. I teach you something fun in watercolor or mixed media. It's a low key, jammies kind of class. Right now it's small so you get more one on one instruction if you want it.
This is what it feels like to be in a Women's Circle here at the ranch. Weather permitting, we start outside, under shelter, with the herd loose and able to come and go as they please. I do a guided meditation, and then everyone gets a chance to share what's on their mind—no interruptions.
