Who are the "Glass Children"

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Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, artist of 30 years, and Reiki Master. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one with Developmental Trauma Disorder aka Reactive Attachment Disorder and one "glass child"), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations DTD/RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of DTD/RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.

How does Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Develop?

A child with RAD endures enough fear to change the way their brain develops.

Coming from a loving family, it’s hard to imagine how an innocent child can become abusive. As adoptive parents we’re told, “These children have come from hard places.” and yet, it’s still hard to understand what exactly creates children who harm their family members.

So, let's find out about one of the many ways this happens--come with me…

A beautiful baby boy is born, ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes. A miracle. His mother, who is supposed to love him more than life itself—hurts him, or his mother, who is supposed to love him more than life itself, doesn’t or can’t protect him from abuse.

He cries, but no one comes to feed, change, rock, or soothe. If they do come, his life gets a lot worse. He learns to be silent. He learns that no one will help.

He’s two now. He doesn’t speak. He only hears furious screaming at home. It’s dangerous to make any noise at all. He sits in the shadows, making himself as small as possible.

The massive growth his brain should be doing during this time, slows. Some areas don’t develop at all.

He’s three years old. Nothing he can do can make the fear stop. There is no hope. Time crawls by and the only thing he know is that life is full of horror and the one who should love him, caused it—either directly or by not protecting him from it.

He should have learned connection while being fed, looking deep into his mother’s eyes. He didn’t. 

He should have learned laughter and giggles while playing peek-a-boo with his mom. He didn’t. 

He should have learned that his cries meant something to someone and been held, fed, changed, rocked. He didn’t. 

He should have learned that he meant something, but he didn’t.

What he did learn is that the natural love a child has for his mother only equals abuse and terror. So much terror that it feels like he might die from it.

Eventually, if he's fortunate, someone notices and he’s removed from his mother. He’s placed into a foster-adopt home with a family who immediately falls in love with his cherubic face and who knows that children should be cherished. This child, who has been bathed in fear his entire life, comes into a loving and healthy home. He has experiences he’s never known. Kind, soft words. A warm bath. Clean, dry clothes. As much food as he can eat. He is terrified. What does this mean? At least before he knew what to expect. He has never known love, has never known stability or health. What does he know?

A mother’s love is untrustworthy and terrifying.

His adoptive1 mother quits her job to stay home with him. The family showers their new child with love. Younger and older siblings want to hold and snuggle the tiny toddler. He recoils in horror.

He can’t make eye contact because no one taught him how.

A gentle scolding and he stares off into space, going within to hide.

He rarely cries. Instead he screams. For hours. Every day. For months. His “fury” is evident but no one really understands—he’s not furious, he’s terrified. He can't connect because any connection to mom threatens his instinctual sense of survival.

When it comes to mom and the people, pets, or things that mom loves, he hurts like he’s been hurt and shows no remorse or empathy. His brain didn’t develop in that area.

His behaviors are brushed aside because he’s a child and crashing, breaking, kicking, and hitting happens. But no, not really, not like this.

As adoptive mothers, we are told to, “Love them more. Hold them more. Spend more time.” No one tells us that for some of these children a mother’s love creates a deep, irreparable terror. No one tells us that the more we show our love for these extremely traumatized children, the worse they get and the more terrified they are.
 

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, artist of 30 years, and Reiki Master. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.




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1Children with RAD can be bio or step but are most often adopted.

What is trauma?

I most often talk about trauma in reference to children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and the families who raise them but I'm often asked, "Well, what exactly constitutes a trauma?"

Psychological trauma is an individual's experience of a one-time occurrence or ongoing condition where:
1. The individual cannot integrate their emotional experience (overwhelm) or
2. The individual experiences a threat to life, body, or sanity.1

Common examples:

• Experiencing war as a soldier or close to home
• Assault: physical or sexual 
• Domestic violence: experiencing directly or witnessing2
• Adult abusing child: physical, psychological, sexual
• Natural disasters 
• Terrorist attack

Less common examples:

• Witnessing3 death or injury
• Child on child abuse: physical, psychological, sexual
• Divorce
• Adoption, even as an infant. (Loss of bio family at best, or worse, the child is removed from the bio home because of abuse or neglect.)
• Neglect: emotional and physical
• Verbal abuse
• Psychological abuse
• Abandonment
• Incest 
• Nontraditional domestic violence (where a child harms the family): experiencing directly or witnessing2
• Medical interventions

You may be thinking, "Oh please, my parents divorced and I'm just fine." Your point is valid--for you. Here's the thing about trauma though: it's a subjective experience of an objective event. Not everyone responds to an event the same way. Two people can experience the exact same thing, one will walk away unscathed and the other will be traumatized.

The more powerless you feel in a frightening situation, the more traumatized you will be. 

Psychological effects are likely to be most severe if the trauma is:

1. Human caused 
2. Repeated 
3. Unpredictable 
4. Multifaceted 
5. Sadistic
6. Undergone in childhood 
7. And perpetrated by a caregiver3

And that is where many of the children with Reactive Attachment Disorder come from. When you read that list, it's not hard to understand why these children are the way they are.

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, Reiki Master, and artist. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.



 --
1Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995, pg 60

2 Witnessing trauma: The more attached you are to the victim, the greater the distress. It is particularly horrifying for a child to witness violence in any form toward their mother/primary caregiver both in and of itself and for fear of losing their main source of security.

3Sidran.org

The Underground World of RAD--why are we "underground?"

The Underground World of RAD are a group of parents and caregivers, usually moms (adoptive, foster, bio, or stepmoms) who have, or have had, children with Reactive Attachment Disorder living in our homes.

We are “underground” because children with RAD have a specific set of symptoms that make it hard for the outside world to detect what’s going on. Professionals, including therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, medical doctors, clergy and teachers are most often “snowed” by the child. The child looks, to the outside world, as if she were a perfect angel-- while at home she is full of rage and abusive behavior. 

Why is she angry and abusive? Because Reactive Attachment Disorder is caused by trauma. Children with RAD have been abused and/or neglected when they were very young and their brains didn’t develop in the typical way. They really have a right to be angry. They do not have a right to be abusive.

Here are a few of the symptoms that relate to this particular piece of RAD, where the child fools the outside world:

• cannot give or receive honest affection
• often engaging and charming, but only superficially
• false allegations
• gaslighting 
• triangulation 
• extreme manipulation
• little eye contact

When the child with RAD is at home, she is angry and abusive. She’s often frightening to be around. Often the nicest thing she has to say is, “I HATE YOU!” while pushing mom away.

When mom takes her kids outside to play with the group of neighborhood kids and mothers that gather in the afternoons, the child with RAD is sunshine and roses. She waits until her mom is talking among all the other mothers and then runs up with a big smile, throws her arms around her mother, and beams up at her, “I love you so much mommy!” As soon as the other mothers start to gush about how sweet she is, she angles her head so no one else can see her eyes and they meet her mother’s, throwing her a triumphant smile.

In the early days of this happening, the mom acts instinctively and pushes her daughter away. The lie is too much for a new RAD mom. The other mothers are horrified. (As time goes on, the mother resigns herself to this display and steels herself for the smiles and hugs that hurt.)

And this is the beginning of a life of isolation from friends.

This same story often plays out inside the home with her parents. When dad is home the child with RAD is easier, maybe not sunshine and roses, but much easier to live with. The moment dad leaves the house (even just to the garage or to get the mail), his daughter lays into mom and younger siblings doing things that, if he had seen or heard, would have had her father charging back in like an angry bull. So often, he never sees the abuse. He sees what she wants him to see. Later, when the kids are in bed, he finds his exhausted wife curled up in bed sobbing. Through the tears, she tells him what her day was like. He is confused. His daughter seemed fairly happy all evening. His wife is distraught. Her anger slowly fades to depression. He begins to wonder if she’s not well…is that why she keeps telling him stories that are obviously blown out of proportion? Has she not attached?

And this is the beginning of a life of isolation from her husband.

Grandma is visiting! The child with RAD really puts it on for her grandmother and they bond over makeup, nail polish, and clothes. Grandma is ecstatic over her girly granddaughter. She’s fun and sparkly. Sure, she’s a “spirited child” and “quite the handful” but her bright smile and booming laugh are infectious. While mom gets her kids ready for bed upstairs and away from grandma, her daughter says hateful things to her and pushes her away, hits her brother, and kicks the dog. Later, when mom, in tears, tells her own mother about what is going on, it’s brushed aside, “Oh well…you and your sister were bratty sometimes too.”

And this is the beginning of a life of isolation from her family.

Due to the nature of RAD most of us are not believed. Many of us have taken to online groups (and if we’re lucky, in-person support groups) where we can speak the truth. It’s such a relief to find that we are not alone in this life of fear.

And so, Reactive Attachment Disorder remains largely misunderstood and hidden.

There are many safe groups out there, most are closed and you have to ask to join, some are even considered “secret” where someone has to invite you to join. And yet, there are thousands of women who find their way in and find solace in a tribe of sisters who are enduring daily abuse in their own homes. 

Are you a parent in the trenches, or have a child with RAD somewhere in your family? Join the facebook group called The Underground World of RAD. This is a safe place to find support. This is also a place where we will be educating professionals. You can learn more once you're there! If you're a mental health professional that would like to learn more, please contact me julia@TheMotherRanch.com

Please feel free to share this post (and maybe share just a little of your own story.) Make sure to set your own settings for your facebook post to "Public" so others can share as well.

We are getting the word out! 170,000+ people read my last post and it's all because of you! I see your posts flying across facebook and feel the power behind your words. I see you telling others, "Please share, I've made it public." and I am in awe of your power. I've gotten dozens of emails telling me stories like, "I posted my story on facebook and a long lost friend contacted me. We had the best talk, she listened and really heard me!" or "I posted my story on facebook and 60 people had supportive things to say!"

I see you. You are vulnerable, with your heart exposed to the world--scared but doing it anyway. 

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, Reiki Master, and artist. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.

RAD Moms, Glass Children and COPING SKILLS

Children are well known for their impressive coping skills.

Said no one ever. 

Glass children even less so. When parents are overwhelmed with the care of a special needs, mentally ill RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) child, their glass children end up with gaps in their emotional growth. One of those gaps is coping skills. 

Moms themselves are barely holding on by their fingernails and are just doing their very best to keep everyone safe day by day. Their coping skills are pushed to the edge, how are they supposed to teach appropriate coping skills to their glass children?

They don’t. 

No. They can’t. 

So, glass children learn coping skills from:
•watching their stressed out mothers and fathers
•watching their mentally ill sibling/s with RAD
•watching other siblings
•watching friends, if they still have any (RAD families are often isolated due to the nature of the mental illness)

This is why one of my jobs is to teach self-awareness and self-regulation, aka coping skills. Horses are amazing at this work. They won’t connect when kids are dysregulated but when a simple, “step one” coping skill like breathing is implemented, the horse tunes back in with the child—proving to them that it works and rewarding them for trying. As the simple skills are mastered, we move on to more difficult emotional work, like speaking feelings out loud and asking for what they want or need. Big work for kids who have always been known as “the good ones, the quiet ones, the ones who never need anything.” 

If you have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder and a healthy child who needs extra support, please contact me at julia@themotherranch.com or 720-635-7015. Watch your "easy kids" for signs of depression, withdrawal from the family, immersing themselves in obsessive behaviors that keep them checked out from reality, and bursts of rage. Set up a free tour of the Mother Ranch and visit the facility, the horses, mini donkeys, goats, sheep, chickens, and dogs. Sessions here gives your child a chance to get away from the life of a glass child, learn self-awareness and regulation (coping skills) and how to create safe and connected relationships. 

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, Reiki Master, and artist. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.

Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity. 
Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli and a constant scanning of the environment for threats. Hypervigilance is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. --Wikipedia

What does this mean for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD? First childre with RAD have PTSD. It has been said that untreated PTSD caused the RAD. Second, they are on high alert, all the time. They are constantly scanning for danger and ways to take control--if they have control they feel they will be less likely to encounter danger. I can't blame them. With their early childhoods chock full of danger and lack of control, this makes a lot of sense.

If only scanning for danger was the only thing they were doing. Having RAD means they have a specific set of behaviors or symptoms. Because of the trauma they have endured before the age of 3, these children are unable to trust others and cannot attach in relationships.

Some RAD symptoms can include:

• cannot give or receive affection
• no empathy
• extreme manipulation
• long arguments over ridiculous things
• hypervigilance  
• often engaging and charming, but only superficially
• nonsense questions and unrelenting chatter
• “mad peeing” (peeing all over the house when angry, years after potty training and up into teen years—this can happen with feces as well)
• crazy lying and stealing
• little eye contact
• no cause and effect thinking
• poor hygiene
• triangulation
• parents (particularly the mother) seem hostile and/or confused

Severe RAD symptoms are the above and also:

• threatening behavior, particularly toward the mother and siblings
• hurting or killing pets
• abusing mother and/or siblings--physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual
• false allegations
• threatening harm to self or others

What does this mean for mothers of children with RAD? It means they too, have to become hypervigilant to keep the rest of the family safe. It actually is even worse--they have to become more hypervigilant than their child with RAD. As the child grows and develops new behaviors and strategies to keep control, a mother's hypervigilance grows as well, in order to stay one step ahead and keep everyone as safe as possible.
 

What is a Glass Child?

Here it is, the TedTalk on Glass Children by Alicia Arenas that had the underground world of RAD moms in tears. Someone understood us, believed us, believed that our "healthy" children were having a tough time. We were thrilled and...guilt ridden. It was never our intention to "look through" our healthy children. I think my mom put it best, "You are stomping out fires (some families are literally) trying to keep everyone as safe as possible--there isn't time for much else when the family is in danger."  ...you can read the rest of this article here. I'm slowly migrating my blogs over to my website so they are all in one place, not four!)